SCENARIO:It was a cold morning when new year was around the corner. Jack and Rose went shopping
together.Jack and Rose have been married for 10 years. Although not wealthy, they never complain about it and work together for the better. In the market, Rose found a beautiful red scarf priced at 100$. It is a little expensive but Rose like it so much so she bought the scarf and show it to Jack. Here is their dialogue.
Jack was surprised：“You spent 100$ only to buy a piece of rag?
Rose felt embarrassed and a little angry. She said:"It is new year! I just bought a scarf, is it too much?!"
Jack realized that he didn't use the right word. So he tried to explain:" I just mean it is too expensive and it does not deserve it. You must have cheated by the sales man.”
Now the anger has controlled Rose and the bitterness of living in poverty also come into her mind. She can't help to complain about her husband:"How could I marry so mean a man like you! You always fuss about money just like a woman! I have suffered enough with you!"
Jack felt being insulted and left with a word:"Let's get divorced!"
ANALYZE:
When analyzing personal conflict like the case above, we could easily find out that once a quarrel start, it has a large risk to get out of control. Moreover, the content of the quarrel is easily going off the start point.
From my perspective, we should try to avoid quarrel because once it gets started, it is quite easy to get out of control. It means that when you feel uncomfortable about or even get a little angry what others have said, don't hurry to burst. Try to keep reasonable and calm.
However, it is not right to avoid quarrel all the time. Sometimes we have to let out of stress through quarrel and complaining. As long as we handle it in a right way, it could promote understanding and increase intimacy.
The biggest error that we make when we quarrel is that we focus not on the event but the people.For example, we could complain the way people do something but not the people. Another thing is that we should avoid involve in the old unpleasing topic and avoid using the word like "always" "never" and so on. Leave some space for making up.
Yea, I agree with you. Usually when we get angry, we tend to say things we do not mean and it ends up hurting the relationship between two person. But of course, when both parties have calmed down, they can always talk things out. But from the scenario you provided, I think it's inevitable they will quarrel given that money is a sensitive issue.
ReplyDeleteHey Hongwei,
ReplyDeleteI think you have analyzed the situation quite comprehensively. You brought up very good points indeed, on the need to calm down instead of letting off steam, yet there's still a need to express your displeasure although in a much more civilized manner when the tension has loosened a little.
Since money is an issue for the couple, maybe they can always plan on how much money is at their disposal first before going shopping to prevent any similar incidents from happening.
They also need to see a counsellor to seek advice on better ways to handle misunderstandings so that divorce is not the first thing that comes to their mind when they are in dispute.